I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
