a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
