Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
