He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
