and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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