My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
