just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
