Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
