i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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