You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
