my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
