I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
