Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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