P.S. I can't hear my feet
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
