end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
