Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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