I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
