fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
