All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
