there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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