it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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