i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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