i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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