i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
