I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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