Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize