Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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