my sisters under your porch take her home
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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