I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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