I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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