I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
