I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
