K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
