i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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