How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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