i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
