I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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