Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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