he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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