I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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