That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
