I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
