his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize