You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
