"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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