I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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