shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
