Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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