my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
