i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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