I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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