"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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