I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
