note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
