My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
