I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
