I can text with my tongue
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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