My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
