You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
