i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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