i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
